I want to write something. I really do.
The universe conspires against me this eve, however.
It feels as though my ship has been passing in random directions through the night time seas lately. Rudderless, without an intended direction, and running a Jolly Roger up the main erection.
So many things I want. So few goals on how to get there.
As a young man I was, as has been mentioned before, brought up Irish Catholic. Guilt about the most natural of impulses was taught to repress anything that was considered taboo.
In more recent years, I have gone the other extreme. Playing with the demons that, back then, would have brought me such thoughts of guilt.
Allow me to be clear on this particular point…I enjoy playing with these demons much more than dealing with unwarranted guilt. We all have our ups and down cycles of life and the last few years have been more up than prior.
I lay in my bed as I tap this out on my mobile and my worst complaint is a lack of direction. No real idea where I am heading…but I want to get a heading.
I need a goal beyond “whatever gets you through the night”.
Over the last while I have had the chance to experiment and expose myself to things that I never would have dreamed of. This is not over…in fact, more a beginning than an end as I want more of that thrill of experiencing the unknown.
I am not afraid of the unknown….of my own shadow…as I once was.
I am also no longer looking to figure out who I am. Have a pretty good handle on that. Now it is about figuring out the potential of what I know I have…just what damage can I do with these talents I have begun to cultivate?
One thing I am certain of is I am tired of pursuing. That is not part of this life anymore and I am giving up on that because I have done it for the better part of 42 years…and pursuing that romantic flame has done diddly squat. It has all become ghosts and shadows and completely unnecessary.
I have always had this need to help and entertain. To not only assist the distressed damsel, but then to make her laugh. This need has sometimes led me down paths I really did not want to go…my inner St. Bernard wanting to sniff out danger and help only to discover some really bad odor.
I have tried to change the superficial around this…my clothes, my car, my whatever…but never changed the action.
The action of making a goddess laugh and smile…or offering my help with a shoulder to lean on…is very rewarding. However, not so rewarding to account for the exhaustion I currently feel in my mind.
So, thinking I need to sit back for awhile and refocus. Need to find a direction.